Barrett, Owen inexplicably slated to see frequent starting nods in upcoming season
-BOSTON, MA
With another game of RBI Baseball mere hours away in a local basement, early indications from Boston’s spring camp have right-handed slugger Tony Armas remaining firmly splintered on the Red Sox bench, leaving him to play a continued second fiddle to light-hitting middle infielders Marty Barrett and Spike Owen.
Armas denies reports that he came to camp out of shape, citing the “identical rotund build of every player in the league” as evidence that he’s as fit and athletic as 8-bit technology will allow.
“Hell, if you stood me and Dave Henderson side by side, you probably couldn’t tell us apart,” Armas said. “There’s something not right about that.”
Armas’ ever-limited role with the club is made more puzzling by the fact that the Red Sox will be once again counting on their bats to carry them past ever-competitive Detroit and perennial sleeper San Francisco. The presence of ace Roger Clemens should continue to offset a weak bullpen of Calvin Schiraldi and soft-tossing Bob Stanley, but it’s an accepted truth that Boston’s offensive firepower will ultimately dictate its success.
“It’s frustrating to see a guy like Tony so repeatedly underappreciated,” southpaw Bruce Hurst said. “I mean, as a pitcher with average velocity and unimpressive movement, I need all the offensive backing I can get. I think he gives us our best chance to win coming out of that leadoff spot.”
Armas has heard those sentiments echoed by the higher-ups, receiving assurance from Boston brass that his role with the club will be a substantial one. Nintendo Power magazine reports plans in the works to have the powerful righty regularly coming off the bench as a pinch hitter as early as the first inning.
While Armas was given no clear-cut explanation for his unexpected omission from the starting lineup, the club’s obvious respect for his bat has quelled discontent, to an extent, but also fueled further confusion.
“It’s not like he’s got the upper hand defensively,” Armas said of Barrett. “Everyone knows offensive substitutions don’t impact the team defense, so I can only assume it’s an opposition to moustaches and towering home runs that’s influencing this decision.”
Barrett has taken a diplomatic approach throughout the controversial struggle for playing time.
“I’m just trying to take this one reset at a time,” Barrett said. “I know that guys like Armas, Henderson and [Ellis] Burks have big bats breathing down my neck, but I’m confident that if I get my at-bats I’ll be able to earn my keep in this lineup.”
“No, that’s just not the case,” said a sleepy kid holding a Nintendo controller, who spoke on a condition of anonymity. “Marty Barrett is garbage, and that’s no lie.”
Barrett is not the only Red Sox starter to come under scrutiny, as light-hitting Owen and streaky left-hander Bill Buckner have also received mention as possible pinch-hit victims.
“Look, it’s a long season,” Buckner said. “If they want to sit me down every now and then, give my knees a rest, that’s fine. There’s nothing I can do about it. But, I mean, these are tough times. Every day that goes by we know we’re closer to finding ourselves without a working Nintendo and out of a job. I’m trying to take this a game at a time, and we’ll just have to continue to wake up every morning, blow in the cartridge and hope for the best."
