During my brief two-year stay in Sioux Falls, SD, I developed a real affinity for a restaurant called Hu Hot Mongolian Grill. If you’re familiar with Hu Hot, or any other eatery of the same pedigree, you understand the carnival of gluttony that a trip to one entails. To illustrate this simply, I’ll tell you that there literally is not another restaurant I’ve ever experienced capable of eliciting the same feeling, which can best be described as equal parts intense satisfaction and physical pain. I can recall nary a trip to Hu Hot – and I’ve had many – where I left the establishment minus that post-coital sense of contentment, coupled with a fecal wolverine percolating in my bowels. I know, I’ve probably already said too much to make this even readable, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t share the rest.
In the year and a half since I’ve left Sioux Falls, my travels have taken me to parts of the world devoid of these Mongolian feasts. I’ve tried every Chinese restaurant I can find and combed the yellow pages for something of Hu Hot’s ilk, but never have been able to reach that same heightened level of satisfaction. That is, my friends, until this past Friday. With my lovely - and more sensible - wife out of town, and a long work week under my belt, I agreed to meet my parents at a local bistro by the name of “The Emperor’s Wok.” Certain that it could never parallel Hu Hot, I entered the restaurant with low expectations, like a scorn woman approaching a relationship cautiously, fearful of being hurt yet again.
When our apron-clad server Pablo approached our table, I opened my ears and mind and took mental notes of everything he laid before me. A Mongolian grill, a Chinese buffet, all-you-can-eat crab legs, and an American cuisine to boot? What kind of victual utopia was this? Upon taking in the lay of the land and plotting my feeding strategy from all angles, I decided to take a chance. I would let my guard down and dare to believe that this palatial establishment could somehow equal the status of the legendary Hu Hot.
I’ll tell you one thing: it felt good to love again. You know that totally vulnerable feeling you get when you let yourself fall for something? Well, I let it engulf me, and damn it, it felt great. I strolled through those culinary mazes, seamlessly weaving my way between wide-eyed patrons like the great Gayle Sayers in his prime. And if there is one thing I can say for sure, it’s that I left it all out on the battlefield that day. I left that restaurant without a single regret, certain I had given every fiber of my soul in dominating that restaurant. And here’s the best part: I wasn’t disappointed. I tore through those crab legs like a mad man and ravished the fried wonton like Gilligan finally getting a shot at Ginger after all those years. It was midway through my second bowl of Mongolian meat when I began to daydream. I imagined I was a Viking, using my teeth to tear the meat off the bones of the Kodiak bear I had just killed with my bare hands. Yes, this is how real men should eat.
While I know this sounds like a tale cut from the same cloth as Casablanca or Love Story, I’m sad to say the honeymoon would not last forever. It was shortly after the aforementioned bowl of meat had been vanquished that I first felt it. Originating from the furthest depths of my being, a faint, guttural wail withered its way up my esophagus, escaping from my mouth, foreshadowing the doom that was to come. Like a dog feverishly wagging its tale moments before a tornado strikes, this rumbling served as a warning that the party was winding down.
Eyes dancing wildly in search of the unlucky restroom that would be soon forced to accommodate my inevitable onslaught, a striking and ironic comparison came to me. My trip to the Emperor’s Wok had begun to personify an angry drunk. Like Whiskey Sours to your old college roommate or the guy in the tank-top at the Black Jack table, the Emperor’s Wok is pleasant and fun when taken in moderation. But moderation had clearly yielded to excess, and the results would not be pretty. I had greedily taken in countless edible pleasures with little to no regard for my own well-being, patiently taking the time to devour anything that crossed my path. The consequences, however, were swift and fierce.
With the intensity of a stockbroker and somewhere between a brisk walk and a sprint, I shoved off in the direction I imagined the bathroom would be. Waddling aimlessly about the restaurant, it was Pablo that came through again when I needed him the most, saving me precious seconds. Clutching his shoulder with what I’m sure amounted to a white-knuckled, G.I. Joe Kung Fu grip, I uttered a barely audible inquiry as to the direction of the facilities. Pablo, having probably gone through this routine with at least one frightened patron every night of his career, coolly delivered a clear and concise account of the shortest and quickest path to the lavatory. I couldn’t have asked for more from Mapquest. In hindsight, Pablo’s grace under pressure probably ranked just behind my decision not to steer my car into a bridge embankment as the best thing to happen to me that day.
For those of you who are faint of heart, I will go against my gut - pardon the pun - and abstain from regaling you with the gory details of what happened next. Let’s just say that what took nearly an hour to go in, took just seconds to come out. Let me also say that if my sphincter were my employee, I would send him and Mrs. Sphincter to the Cayman Islands on an all-expense-paid vacation in honor of the hard work he put in. Being able to hold off the Herculean burst that would soon emerge while I decorated the toilet seat with toilet paper was worthy of a medal of honor.
You may wonder why I chose to commit this experience to paper instead of merely forgetting the savagery, never telling another soul. The reason is simply this: to make sure it doesn’t happen to you. Let me conclude by drawing again from the alcohol comparison. Mongolian Grill is like booze - you must build up a tolerance before binging. No one in their right mind would slam ten gin and tonics after remaining dry for the previous two years, and the same should go for the Mongolian barbecue. So next time your bravado gets the best of you and you think you can take on the Emperor’s Wok, remember what happened to me. If I save just one, it’ll be all worth it.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
From The Archive: "A New Age Dawns", 1/21/2001
"A New Age Dawns" (From The Wombat, January 21, 2001)
-WASHINGTON, D.C.-
Throngs of loyalists and constitutents celebrated the inaugration of the nation's 43rd president, George Walker Bush, who was sworn in today after a long legal battle ended with the Supreme Court's decision to halt the Florida recount.
Bush, a single-term Republican governor from Texas, campaigned on a platform of "compassionate conservatism"--a political ideal marked by an emphasis on peaceful, diplomatic foreign relations and a return to fiscally responsible domestic policy; all policies are implemented through the lens of Christianity with its inherent emphasis on caring for the poor, destitute, and a general importance placed on the sanctity of life.
"America can say goodbye to sky-high taxes," said Bush's campaign advisor, Karl Rove, speaking of former President Clinton's economic policies. "With President Bush's tax cuts and tight-fisted fiscal governance, this country's record-setting surplus will only grow."
Whereas Bush's predecessor sent NATO forces to Kosovo and failed to act on the Rwandan genocide, Bush's advisors say he has a much better sense of when force is necessary and when restraint is in order.
"The President has a terrific team of advisors with a tremendous amount of foreign policy experience," said Thomas Jennings, a fellow at the conservative American Policy Institute. "He's learned temperance from his father's decision to pull out of Iraq before it turned into a quagmire. This administration knows better."
And, speaking of the Clinton administration's negligence regarding Rwanda, Jennings asserted that this president wouldn't allow a similar atrocity to fester.
"I think we've all learned from Rwanda," Jennings said. "I have a feeling that this president will snuff out any African conflict before it can escalate into genocide."
Though most conservatives were basking in the glow of the Bush victory, some feared that Bush's "compassion" may come at a price for real, red-blooded Goldwater conservatism.
"With all this talk of compassion, I get worried that Bush might just be a fruity, civil liberties-lover in Birkenstocks," said Stanley Goodman, a registered Republican from Langley, Virginia. "I hope he just stays out of our personal lives like a good, old-fashioned conservative."
This is one point where some liberals and conservatives have found common ground.
"Though I disagree with his views on abortion and other social issues, President Bush seems intent to maintain strong civil liberties and personal privacy for all Americans," said Jane Goodwin of the American Civil Liberties Union. "I mean, I think the son of a president knows better than to pull a Jackson or a Lincoln and suspend habeus corpus," Goodwin said with a chortle.
After eight long years of obfuscation and deceit, the American people are ready for an open, honest administration; and, having only won by the narrowest of margins, the Bush administration will not rule as if it had a mandate.
"The age of partisan politics is over," said Vice President Cheney. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must leave for a hunting trip."
-WASHINGTON, D.C.-
Throngs of loyalists and constitutents celebrated the inaugration of the nation's 43rd president, George Walker Bush, who was sworn in today after a long legal battle ended with the Supreme Court's decision to halt the Florida recount.
Bush, a single-term Republican governor from Texas, campaigned on a platform of "compassionate conservatism"--a political ideal marked by an emphasis on peaceful, diplomatic foreign relations and a return to fiscally responsible domestic policy; all policies are implemented through the lens of Christianity with its inherent emphasis on caring for the poor, destitute, and a general importance placed on the sanctity of life.
"America can say goodbye to sky-high taxes," said Bush's campaign advisor, Karl Rove, speaking of former President Clinton's economic policies. "With President Bush's tax cuts and tight-fisted fiscal governance, this country's record-setting surplus will only grow."
Whereas Bush's predecessor sent NATO forces to Kosovo and failed to act on the Rwandan genocide, Bush's advisors say he has a much better sense of when force is necessary and when restraint is in order.
"The President has a terrific team of advisors with a tremendous amount of foreign policy experience," said Thomas Jennings, a fellow at the conservative American Policy Institute. "He's learned temperance from his father's decision to pull out of Iraq before it turned into a quagmire. This administration knows better."
And, speaking of the Clinton administration's negligence regarding Rwanda, Jennings asserted that this president wouldn't allow a similar atrocity to fester.
"I think we've all learned from Rwanda," Jennings said. "I have a feeling that this president will snuff out any African conflict before it can escalate into genocide."
Though most conservatives were basking in the glow of the Bush victory, some feared that Bush's "compassion" may come at a price for real, red-blooded Goldwater conservatism.
"With all this talk of compassion, I get worried that Bush might just be a fruity, civil liberties-lover in Birkenstocks," said Stanley Goodman, a registered Republican from Langley, Virginia. "I hope he just stays out of our personal lives like a good, old-fashioned conservative."
This is one point where some liberals and conservatives have found common ground.
"Though I disagree with his views on abortion and other social issues, President Bush seems intent to maintain strong civil liberties and personal privacy for all Americans," said Jane Goodwin of the American Civil Liberties Union. "I mean, I think the son of a president knows better than to pull a Jackson or a Lincoln and suspend habeus corpus," Goodwin said with a chortle.
After eight long years of obfuscation and deceit, the American people are ready for an open, honest administration; and, having only won by the narrowest of margins, the Bush administration will not rule as if it had a mandate.
"The age of partisan politics is over," said Vice President Cheney. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must leave for a hunting trip."
Red Sox relegate slugger Armas to reserve role
Barrett, Owen inexplicably slated to see frequent starting nods in upcoming season
-BOSTON, MA
With another game of RBI Baseball mere hours away in a local basement, early indications from Boston’s spring camp have right-handed slugger Tony Armas remaining firmly splintered on the Red Sox bench, leaving him to play a continued second fiddle to light-hitting middle infielders Marty Barrett and Spike Owen.
Armas denies reports that he came to camp out of shape, citing the “identical rotund build of every player in the league” as evidence that he’s as fit and athletic as 8-bit technology will allow.
“Hell, if you stood me and Dave Henderson side by side, you probably couldn’t tell us apart,” Armas said. “There’s something not right about that.”
Armas’ ever-limited role with the club is made more puzzling by the fact that the Red Sox will be once again counting on their bats to carry them past ever-competitive Detroit and perennial sleeper San Francisco. The presence of ace Roger Clemens should continue to offset a weak bullpen of Calvin Schiraldi and soft-tossing Bob Stanley, but it’s an accepted truth that Boston’s offensive firepower will ultimately dictate its success.
“It’s frustrating to see a guy like Tony so repeatedly underappreciated,” southpaw Bruce Hurst said. “I mean, as a pitcher with average velocity and unimpressive movement, I need all the offensive backing I can get. I think he gives us our best chance to win coming out of that leadoff spot.”
Armas has heard those sentiments echoed by the higher-ups, receiving assurance from Boston brass that his role with the club will be a substantial one. Nintendo Power magazine reports plans in the works to have the powerful righty regularly coming off the bench as a pinch hitter as early as the first inning.
While Armas was given no clear-cut explanation for his unexpected omission from the starting lineup, the club’s obvious respect for his bat has quelled discontent, to an extent, but also fueled further confusion.
“It’s not like he’s got the upper hand defensively,” Armas said of Barrett. “Everyone knows offensive substitutions don’t impact the team defense, so I can only assume it’s an opposition to moustaches and towering home runs that’s influencing this decision.”
Barrett has taken a diplomatic approach throughout the controversial struggle for playing time.
“I’m just trying to take this one reset at a time,” Barrett said. “I know that guys like Armas, Henderson and [Ellis] Burks have big bats breathing down my neck, but I’m confident that if I get my at-bats I’ll be able to earn my keep in this lineup.”
“No, that’s just not the case,” said a sleepy kid holding a Nintendo controller, who spoke on a condition of anonymity. “Marty Barrett is garbage, and that’s no lie.”
Barrett is not the only Red Sox starter to come under scrutiny, as light-hitting Owen and streaky left-hander Bill Buckner have also received mention as possible pinch-hit victims.
“Look, it’s a long season,” Buckner said. “If they want to sit me down every now and then, give my knees a rest, that’s fine. There’s nothing I can do about it. But, I mean, these are tough times. Every day that goes by we know we’re closer to finding ourselves without a working Nintendo and out of a job. I’m trying to take this a game at a time, and we’ll just have to continue to wake up every morning, blow in the cartridge and hope for the best."
-BOSTON, MA
With another game of RBI Baseball mere hours away in a local basement, early indications from Boston’s spring camp have right-handed slugger Tony Armas remaining firmly splintered on the Red Sox bench, leaving him to play a continued second fiddle to light-hitting middle infielders Marty Barrett and Spike Owen.
Armas denies reports that he came to camp out of shape, citing the “identical rotund build of every player in the league” as evidence that he’s as fit and athletic as 8-bit technology will allow.
“Hell, if you stood me and Dave Henderson side by side, you probably couldn’t tell us apart,” Armas said. “There’s something not right about that.”
Armas’ ever-limited role with the club is made more puzzling by the fact that the Red Sox will be once again counting on their bats to carry them past ever-competitive Detroit and perennial sleeper San Francisco. The presence of ace Roger Clemens should continue to offset a weak bullpen of Calvin Schiraldi and soft-tossing Bob Stanley, but it’s an accepted truth that Boston’s offensive firepower will ultimately dictate its success.
“It’s frustrating to see a guy like Tony so repeatedly underappreciated,” southpaw Bruce Hurst said. “I mean, as a pitcher with average velocity and unimpressive movement, I need all the offensive backing I can get. I think he gives us our best chance to win coming out of that leadoff spot.”
Armas has heard those sentiments echoed by the higher-ups, receiving assurance from Boston brass that his role with the club will be a substantial one. Nintendo Power magazine reports plans in the works to have the powerful righty regularly coming off the bench as a pinch hitter as early as the first inning.
While Armas was given no clear-cut explanation for his unexpected omission from the starting lineup, the club’s obvious respect for his bat has quelled discontent, to an extent, but also fueled further confusion.
“It’s not like he’s got the upper hand defensively,” Armas said of Barrett. “Everyone knows offensive substitutions don’t impact the team defense, so I can only assume it’s an opposition to moustaches and towering home runs that’s influencing this decision.”
Barrett has taken a diplomatic approach throughout the controversial struggle for playing time.
“I’m just trying to take this one reset at a time,” Barrett said. “I know that guys like Armas, Henderson and [Ellis] Burks have big bats breathing down my neck, but I’m confident that if I get my at-bats I’ll be able to earn my keep in this lineup.”
“No, that’s just not the case,” said a sleepy kid holding a Nintendo controller, who spoke on a condition of anonymity. “Marty Barrett is garbage, and that’s no lie.”
Barrett is not the only Red Sox starter to come under scrutiny, as light-hitting Owen and streaky left-hander Bill Buckner have also received mention as possible pinch-hit victims.
“Look, it’s a long season,” Buckner said. “If they want to sit me down every now and then, give my knees a rest, that’s fine. There’s nothing I can do about it. But, I mean, these are tough times. Every day that goes by we know we’re closer to finding ourselves without a working Nintendo and out of a job. I’m trying to take this a game at a time, and we’ll just have to continue to wake up every morning, blow in the cartridge and hope for the best."
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