Corn Dog Bulletin

Iowa State Fans smell just like corn dogs.

Yes, it is often said, but so true.

ISU Fans just smell like corn dogs.

I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid. I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll ride past one of them on the road someday, and they'll see that look in my eye that gives it away. The furrowed brow that says, "Gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?" The next thing you know, my vehicle will be missing its Hawkeye plate brackets and my cat will be swinging by a noose from my ceiling fan… with a Troy Davis jersey on. Vandals!!

If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell Clones how they smell - you know, like corn dogs. They seem, inappropriately sensitive to that whole corn dog issue. I think this may be why a lot of the rest of us get beaten up or otherwise harassed by the Clones. If you attend a Ball, Banquet or Event in Ames not only will it be missing class, culture and decorum… but try to avoid telling them that the whole, shitty sha-bang smells like one giant fucking corn dog. Say something else instead, like, "Wow, The Clones sure do have great accommodations. It’s no wonder they are so dominant at the Veterinary sciences! They are all so cool. Those school colors are so unique and don't, at all, resemble anything like urine and pig’s blood… and the logo?!?! Could that be any sweeter?!? I mean, a tornado with a bird’s head coming out of the top, it's like a metaphor for... I don't know... Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham all at once. God, I LOVE the food here."

Ignoring it is hard, I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to think about football, what it must be like to live in Honduras or Santa Clause naked… you know, so you can last longer. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about football or Santa or whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: "Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your leg, if you would taste just like a corn dog?" or "Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?" or "What did that giant corn dog just say?" or "Excuse me, Mr. McDermott, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?" Shit, after what I've seen of the Clones, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice, sure, smell the nice ones. That's okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that. Try holding your breath; don't be obvious about it, move your chest in and out like you really are breathing. Somehow they know you're trying not to breathe in the corn dog smell, and that offends them. They'll likely punch you in the throat and rub their face grease on you for that.

Should you breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole body, and then you'll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don't say, "Damn it, now I smell like a corn dog." That’s offensive, and they will throw things. Not corn dogs though, hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or an X-ray… and I think we know that all they have there are animal hospitals, so you’ll have to wait in line behind livestock. Just don't say anything about it. If, God forbid, you do start smelling like a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?

I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around Clones. If a Clone is driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No! Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression - indicating they smell corn dogs - might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that's dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive on some other weekend.

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about all of this corn dog stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of the Clones with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there's no mystery there - maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows? Maybe there's a corn dog factory in Ames and they all work there. Maybe, there's a corn dog lotion that they use, or a corn dog perfume the ladies use. Maybe they use corn dogs as shampoo… or towels… or maybe they make their clothes out of them. Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply - kind of like fluoride.

I know when you go to Ames, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. *deep inhale* Here I am in Ames, Iowa. I'll bet the people here smell just like Lemon Pepper Beef Kabobs or Slow cooked BBQ Ribs or Honey and Cornbread or some other quality Midwestern fare." But just stop thinking that. It couldn’t be further from the truth. They smell just like corn dogs.

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn dog odor. Don’t be cute and try masking the odor with something stronger. They'll curse at you. They'll say something like: "Hey asshole, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home." or "What the hell!! Stop putting urinal cakes all over our community?" Then they’ll start cussing out your kids: "What the fuck is wrong with your retarded 5 year old monkey!?!?! Little Mister Hawkeye Hygiene Elitist Toddler over here acts like he doesn't want to smell like corn dogs!" This is the kind of thing that will get you all killed and eaten… they eat people there you know.

The Clones are not like us. Don't you understand that? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I know. We sniff each other all the time; I’ve been known to sniff a person… I’ll even snicker a little bit when someone farts or smells like Jimmy Dean Sausage and Athlete’s foot. Given my snickering I’ve never feared for my life like I do when I’m in Ames. Most people know when they smell and they usually have a sense of humor about it. But don't press your luck with the Clones.

Don't refer to Jack Trice Stadium as The Valley of Corn Dogs either… they don’t think that’s funny. Even if you've been drinking, they'll beat you up and take your money… and those are the small ones. The big ones do much more horrible things... you'll wish you were a terrorist in Guantanamo Bay.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction - even if you're laughing about something else, like football or 3rd world countries or domestic violence or… whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes’em think that you smell their corn dog body odor from a distance or that you're choking on it. They'll likely burn your van for that. How do you think they’ve been beating us lately? McCarney was telling them that we’ve been ridiculing them for their Corn Dog Stench. Works every time… fucking corn dog psychos.

Mind this rule of thumb and you’re sure to be the Belle of the Ball.

All of my Deepest Love,
Gall